Life Lessons I've Learned As A Military Spouse

April 19, 2019

You know when time seems to stand still and speed up simultaneously? Somehow that's how it feels right now. We have been a military family for just shy of 21 years and we are just months away from turning in retirement paperwork.

This transition will surely bring mixed feelings. I can't even imagine how big the sigh of relief will be when we step away as civilians. No more deployments hanging over our heads. Yet, putting this life behind us just doesn't seem possible. It's all we've known. My hubby joined the Army at age 18 (I was 19) and we moved across the country from our family. The military life has taught me many lessons over the years and I'm incredibly thankful for our time in service.

Lesson #1: Embrace your "family".

I'm sure you've heard members of the military referring to each other as their brothers. They start as friendships but when you add in the trust required to know that they will have your back during deployments/training it becomes something more. The brotherhood between them is remarkable.

The other part of this family is the military spouses. We are uprooted from everything we know. Then a few years later, those roots are pulled again. And again. And again. There's no family nearby to help with the kids. There's no family nearby to help pass the worries/long days of deployments. But the military spouses that surround you creates a sisterhood. Those women will become your family. Those women will celebrate holidays and birthdays with you. They will love your children like they are their Aunties. Hold onto that family because friendships like this are something incredibly special.

Lesson #2: After each PCS, make your community your home.

One of the biggest differences between a military family and a civilian family is where they call home. Civilian families may call one town home from the day they are born until the day they die. They know everyone in town. They have friends they've known all their lives. They know the layout of the town like the back of their hand.

A military family is lucky if they call a town home for three years. Then we leave our friends behind. With a change of duty station also comes a change of doctors, eye doctors, dentists, hair dressers, churches, schools, etc. Moving to a new town and choosing a house/school without knowing anything about the community is rough.

It is easy to fall into the routine of keeping to yourself because you don't know anyone. But one thing that can make all the difference is getting involved. Maybe you join a sports club. The sense of belonging we got when our kids joined a soccer club was probably one of the best memories we have through our entire military life. Maybe you volunteer or join a church or meet up with other military wives for coffee. Whatever it is that you choose, getting outside of your comfort zone and meeting others and being involved will make your new place feel like home. This is when you will meet your "family".

Lesson #3: Find a routine.

Military life is full of separations. Deployments, TDY, schools, training, moving aircraft, being out in the field, you name it, the military finds a reason that you need to be away from your spouse. The time can drag on. I found the best way to get time to go by is to get into a routine.

The weekdays seemed to be the easiest to find a routine because of school, homework, and extra curricular activities. The weekends which you normally look forward to when your spouse is home can sometimes become dreaded when you are holding down the home alone.

I would usually find an activity for us to do on Saturdays. We would get together with friends whose hubby's were also gone. It didn't need to be a big activity. Just getting together, sitting around chatting while the kiddos played, and making dinner together was awesome. You could feel some of the stress and loneliness lift. We also enjoy going to the zoo. The kids would get out some energy and the bonus is we all got fresh air which is great for lifting spirits. Sundays we would relax and take a break from the hustle of the week and get things ready for the week ahead.

If you have a deployment coming up, it may be helpful to check out this post I wrote about preparing for deployments. https://creativesaver.blogspot.com/2018/03/how-to-prepare-for-deployment-all-that.html

If you have already been through a deployment, it may be helpful to check out this post I wrote about how to reconnect/understand your soldier when they return home. https://creativesaver.blogspot.com/2018/03/reconnectunderstand-your-soldier-after.html

Lesson # 4: Planning will be difficult.

You'll probably say the words "I don't know" quite a bit. You probably won't know the answer to just about any question you get asked. Will your hubby have to deploy? For how long? When will he get home? Do you have to move soon? Where are you moving to? Are you going to come home to visit? Will you be able to make it to the wedding?

Then there are the times when you think you know the answer and you make plans. The military will inevitably change their mind and your plans will need to change.

You can either wallow in it or find a way to release the stress and keep going. I figure this is a life lesson teaching our kids that you need to roll with the punches. If there is a roadblock you can let it hold you back or find a way to continue on.

Lesson # 5: Let go.

It is so important to find a way to let go of the stress. Military life is hard. There's no way around that. While it brings lots of opportunities and friendships, it also brings stress, worry, and heartache. If you hold onto the stress, it will impact so many areas of your life including your physical health. I can't even begin to tell you how thankful I am that my family found ways to deal with our emotions and move past them.

What you focus on is what you will see. Ever notice when you buy a new car, you start seeing the same car everywhere? Your emotions do the same thing. If you focus on the negative, that is all you will see. To move forward you need to learn ways to let go.

Lesson # 6: Don't lose yourself.

It's really easy to lose who you are when you are a military family. Everything becomes about the military. Find your sense of purpose and hold onto it. Maybe you want to finally finish those college classes. Maybe you want to start a small business. Whatever it is that fills your soul with purpose, run with it. Your dreams don't have to take a back seat.

It's hard to believe our military service is coming to an end. It feels like just yesterday that we packed up that first U-haul. We've had 7 duty stations and 9 homes, been through 2 deployments and countless TDYs, and had to bury way too many friends.  I know we'll always carry a piece of the military life in our hearts. My walls will probably always be full of our favorite military pics. My eyes will always be full of tears every time I hear the national anthem sung. I'm so proud of all we've accomplished and all we've overcome. There is unrelenting strength inside yourself, you just have to find it.

Chocolate Peppermint Zucchini Bread

September 20, 2018

Fall is here and my garden is in full harvest mode. I really thought that by now my zucchini plants would have given up. Ha! I walked through them today and couldn't believe all the new blossoms and new little zucchinis starting to grow! There are a few large ones (great for baking) still on the plants so I wanted to dig in today.

I was craving something sweet. Let's face it. I'm always craving something sweet. I found a recipe for chocolate zucchini bread on twopeasandtheirpod. I made a few tiny alterations to the recipe.

I like baking with shredded zucchini because it adds so much moisture to whatever you are baking. Sometimes I will peel the zucchini first and other times I shred the whole thing. If you have picky eaters, I'd suggest peeling it first. The peel doesn't change the flavor at all but chances are they will see it in the dish if there are green flecks. Today, I started by peeling the zucchini.

Another thing to keep in mind with zucchini is the water content. It adds a lot of moisture to dishes but sometimes it can add too much. You need to use your judgment. If it is very wet when you shred it, give it a squeeze to get rid of a little of the water.

Ok, ready for the recipe?

1 cup flour
1/2 cup cocoa
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon sea salt (I actually used kosher salt)
2 large eggs
1/4 cup unsalted butter, melted and slightly cooled (I didn't have unsalted so I used regular)
1/4 cup canola, vegetable, or melted coconut oil (I used coconut oil)
3/4 cup packed light brown sugar
1 teaspoon vanilla
1 1/2 cups packed shredded zucchini
1 cup semi-sweet chocolate chips, divided (I used milk chocolate)

I decided to add 3 drops of Peppermint Vitality Essential Oil (Young Living is the only brand I trust).

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Grease a 9x5 bread pan.

Stir together the flour, cocoa, baking soda, and salt. Set aside.

In another bowl, add eggs, butter, oil, vanilla, and brown sugar. Add in the essential oil. Stir.

Stir the dry ingredients into the wet ingredients. Don't overtax. Stir in the zucchini. Stir in 3/4 cup of chocolate chips.

Spread the batter into the pan and sprinkle the rest of the chocolate chips on top. Bake for 50-60 minutes (mine took 60). Cool in the pan on a wire rack for 15 minutes. Remove from pan and allow to cool before slicing.

I hope you are prepared for how much zucchini you are going to want in the future. Ha! This turned out delicious! My son liked it and my daughter squealed and said "oh mama! It's really good!" while she gave me a thumbs up. Ha! I'd say this recipe passed the test.

*I can only speak to the safety of ingesting Young Living's Vitality line of essential oils.

Blackberry Lemon Zucchini Bread

July 19, 2018

The monster of the growing season. Zucchini. It doesn't take long until you run out of ideas on how to use it up. I still can't believe how many zucchini my garden is spitting out! I wanted to try a new baked good today. I saw that I had blackberries that we had picked and froze so I figured I would use those up too.

I pulled the bread out of the oven and my daughter said it looked cool, like something you would get at Panera Bread. I'll take that compliment! I was a little surprised to see my daughter go back for a second slice. She claims she doesn't like blackberries. Ha! Then an hour later after seeing her dad try the bread she said "oh yeah, I forgot there was zucchini in there".

I read a tip today. You can peel the zucchini so your kids won't see the green flecks in the bread. My kids know there is zucchini in whatever I was making today but I did peel maybe half of it to try out the tip and see how it looks. I froze the remaining shredded zucchini in one cup increments and I should be able to hide it in a few dishes seeing as there isn't much green.

Alright, on to the bread.

Blackberry Lemon Zucchini Bread:

2 cups flour
2 teaspoons baking powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
2 eggs
2/3 cup sugar
1/2 cup vegetable oil
1/2 cup milk
1/2 Tablespoon lemon juice
8 drops Lemon Vitality essential oil (Young Living)
1 cup grated zucchini
about 1 1/2 cups blackberries

Preheat oven to 350. Grease and flour a 9x5 bread pan. Add the lemon juice to the milk and set aside. You could use buttermilk instead but I never buy buttermilk and just do this substitution when I make breads like this. Combine flour, baking powder, and salt. Set aside. In another bowl, whisk eggs, sugar, vegetable oil, and lemon essential oil. Add milk and stir until combined. Stir in zucchini.

Add dry ingredients to the wet ingredients and stir until almost combined, then add blackberries and carefully fold together until just combined. Pour into pan and bake until toothpick comes out clean. Start checking around 55 minutes. Mine took an hour and ten minutes.

I think we could make this recipe with just about any berry. I may try it next time with either blueberries or raspberries. Yum!

*I can only speak to the safety of ingesting essential oils from Young Living's Vitality line.

Lemon Zucchini Muffins

July 6, 2018

It's summer and my garden is starting to look green and full of life. I think we usually plant 1 or 2 zucchini plants. Welp. This year the store we were at only had them in four packs. Wouldn't ya know it all four plants look like they are going to be huge. We picked our first zucchini today and made some delicious muffins. If you are looking for something to make with all of your zucchini, look no further. Ha!

These muffins are my son's favorite. I used to add lemon baking chips to them and he would eat them as fast as I could make them. I can't find lemon chips locally anymore so last fall I made a slight change to the recipe. Instead of lemon baking chips, I would add Lemon essential oil (from Young Living's vitality line) and white chocolate chips. I didn't tell my son what I did different. He loved them! I asked what was his favorite part and his reply was "the lemon chips". Ha! I guess the recipe changes passed his inspection.

You can use this recipe for either zucchini bread or muffins.

3 eggs
1 cup oil
1 3/4 cup sugar
2 cups grated zucchini
2 teaspoons vanilla
6 drops Lemon Vitality Essential Oil
3 cups flour
3 teaspoons cinnamon
1/8 teaspoon nutmeg
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon baking powder
1 teaspoon salt
1 cup white chocolate baking chips

Grease and flour the pans. Recipe makes two 8x4 loaves or 24 muffins.

Beat the eggs. Mix in oil and sugar, then add the zucchini, vanilla, and Lemon essential oil.

In a separate bowl, combine flour, cinnamon, nutmeg, baking soda, baking powder, and salt. Add this to the egg mixture. Stir in baking chips. Divide the batter into the pans. Bake loaves at 350 for 60 minutes (plus or minus 10 depending on your oven), or until toothpick comes out clean. Muffins bake for 23 minutes.

Easy Homemade French Fries

June 1, 2018

My daughter loves french fries. Well, maybe it would be more accurate to say she has a french fry obsession. Ha! I can't believe it took us this long, but today we made homemade french fries. Let me tell you, they were delicious. I didn't even dip them in ketchup. Woah. I am a dipper and I didn't even realize I was basically inhaling the fries until I only had two left.

My hubby and daughter worked together and came up with the perfect fries. They used Yukon Gold potatoes. They started out by cutting the potatoes into about 1/4 inch strips. Let's be honest. Some were bigger, some were smaller. It doesn't have to be perfect.

Next, the potato strips were put in a bowl of ice cold water. This will remove excess potato starch which helps the fries to get extra crispy! The potatoes soaked while they got the burgers going, so maybe 30 minutes to an hour. Drain. Blanch the potato strips in boiling water for 5 minutes. This helps the inside of the fries to be nice and fluffy while the outside will be crispy. They laid them out on a wire rack to cool and dry.

Fry the potatoes in vegetable oil for about 5 minutes or until golden brown and crispy. Remove from oil and put on a wire rack to drain the oil. Lightly salt the fries. Now get ready for your mind to be blown. So simple but so delicious!

Cucumber Carrot Salad

March 28, 2018

Is winter over yet?! I am itching for warm weather, working outside, and planting my garden. Bring on the fresh veggies. Bring on the light summer dinners with all kinds of salads. All this summer talk made me crave one of my favorite salads. I found the recipe (Cukes & Carrots Recipe) years ago on the Taste of Home website. I always make half of the recipe. It is also delicious for a few days as leftovers. It melds together and is oh, so yum!

This is the recipe already halved:

Thinly slice 2 1/2 cucumbers, 2 carrots, and 1/2 an onion. Chop 1/2 a green pepper. Combine all the veggies. Sprinkle with 1 teaspoon of canning salt and stir. Cover and put the veggies into the fridge for about 2 hours. Sometimes I'm not that patient. Ha!

Combine 3/4 cup sugar and 1/4 cup vinegar. Pour over the veggies. You can put it back in the fridge for another hour or just be impatient like me and serve it immediately.

This time I made one small addition to the recipe. When I made the dressing, I also added Black Pepper Vitality essential oil. That is a strong oil, even one drop may be too much. So how do you add less than a drop? Dip a toothpick into the oil bottle and then swirl it into the dressing.

My hubby and daughter said that the salad was good but it could have used more Black Pepper oil. Maybe next time we will go with a drop?!

I also made my son's favorite- homemade sloppy joes. That boy doesn't see much of anything else when sloppy joes are put in front of him. Ha!

*Note- I can only speak to the safety of ingesting Young Living's essential oils from their Vitality line.

Reconnect/Understand your soldier after deployment

March 18, 2018

Sometimes your life brings you in a different direction for a reason. Embrace it. Earlier this week, I opened up and talked about my very personal and somewhat embarrassing story in hopes to bring hope to those who may have lost it. That blog post brought me to then want to share something I wrote a few years ago about preparing for military deployment. It could also help struggling mamas, or someone who lives far from their family. I’ve heard back from some military wives that were so thankful for that blog post. One asked me to write another post about reconnecting with your loved one after they return home from deployment. I think everyone could benefit from this entry and find a way to apply it to their life to better understand others. So here goes…

You made it! Your loved ones deployment is over and he is coming home. I’m sure you have heard stories about how they will have changed and how difficult it can be. While this is true, if you open your heart and take a few things into consideration, it can make it a lot easier.

“Peace cannot be kept by force; it can only be achieved by understanding” (Albert Einstein).

Take into account how he has spent the past year. He had a heightened sense of alertness, always on the lookout for the enemy. It will be hard to break that habit. Imagine the amount of stress that has put on him. Letting the stress build up will affect his physical body as well. Find ways for him to let that stress go.

He will probably be worn out. During deployment, you don’t really get days “off”. Even if you aren’t on a mission, your state of alertness is always on. Just think how some of us moms feel. I’ve always said that I was ready to be “off” mom duty when the kids tuck into bed so I could relax. Imagine never being able to turn “off”.

When he gets home, you may be anxious to go out and do things together that you’ve been imagining for the past year. Maybe it is a day at the zoo, shopping, traveling, or going to the movies. He may need time to decompress and just “be” at home in his safe environment, where he doesn’t feel the need to have his guard up.

He spent the entire last year being told exactly what to do. Even when he didn’t agree, when he thought there was a better way to do things, he still had to follow orders. Allow him the room to make decisions. It can be hard because for the past year, every decision has been your own. What to eat for dinner. What to watch on TV. What you do on Saturday afternoons. Who you spend your time with. Remember, he hasn’t been able to do any of that.

Let’s talk about being in public. Big crowds may be difficult for him. For the past year, a big crowd to him may have meant it was easier for the enemy to hide right in front of him.

Seating can become something he needs to control. Don’t be surprised if he wants to always have a line of sight to the door. He will likely want to see who is in the room and will not want his back to them.

Sounds. Take a minute to google The David Lynch Foundation and “Sounds of Trauma”. It is a commercial that shows the sounds of war (bombs, explosions, guns firing, etc) along the soldiers fighting. Then it later shows that those sounds are actually in everyday life (alarm clocks, balloons popping, fireworks, etc). This commercial will really help you to understand that there are triggers everywhere. If this is the only take away you get from this post, it’ll be worth it.

Your husband probably had a very particular way of doing things. Things had to be done correctly or someone could get hurt or killed. He may have a hard time adjusting to let go of that control. He may crave structure/ rules/ schedules.

You will need to help your kids to readjust to having Daddy home. It is important to make family time and also one on one time with each child. Kids need to rebuild that relationship. They need to feel safe and trust that Daddy is home. It’s easy to push people away when you are scared and kids may be worried that if they get close again, that it’ll hurt more if they have to leave again.

One thing we may take for granted is sleep. Your husband may have a hard time sleeping. It may take awhile to fall asleep. They may wake up often and lay awake for hours. Survivor’s guilt and “what-ifs” can weigh heavily on them. Find ways to support him getting good rest.

Don’t be surprised if you can’t pick things up right where you left off. You have both gotten used to a certain way of life and now it’s time to bring those lives back together. Communicate. Make time for you as a couple. It’s ok to set boundaries. Maybe you need to tell family not to visit for the first few weeks to allow time for you guys to reconnect.

Your husband now has an incredible bond with the people he deployed with. Even though they spent every day together and probably aggravated each other, guess what? Chances are that after a few days of being home, they will have an unbelievable urge to hang out. It’s comforting for them to be together. They may not talk about their deployment time, but even just being around each other makes it feel like a weight has been lifted. Don’t take it personally that they want to spend time together.

Did you notice how many times I wrote “for the past year”? That was intentional. A habit takes 21 days to form. Your hubby just spent a YEAR deployed. Give him time to adjust. Give yourself time to adjust.

“It is during our darkest moments that we must focus to see the light” (Aristotle).

Military life is hard. It is difficult to prepare yourself for everything that comes along with it. Not being able to choose where you live; being the “new” girl repeatedly; moving away from friends who become family because your family is so far away; not being able to make plans because you don’t know when you’ll get vacation or be able to visit home; spending countless days/months/years away from your spouse; having a work schedule that changes at the drop of a hat; having your spouse miss out on birthdays/holidays/births/deaths; having to bury friends who have given the ultimate sacrifice; living with the fear of the unknown and possible deployments hanging over your head; having to miss out on family events because you can’t take block leave; the list goes on.

“Change your thoughts and you change your world” (Norman Vincent Peale).

But… the military has also brought a lot to our lives. Take a breath and focus on the good. The military has given us a steady paycheck and job security. It’s given us health benefits and education benefits (for both of us and in the future for our kids).

We have been able to travel all over the country and even lived in Hawaii. My hubby got to travel to Japan.

My hubby was in an airport in Germany on his way home for R&R. He looked up and saw someone familiar. His cousin, who he hadn’t seen in about 25 years, was on his way to Afghanistan! After R&R (leave from deployment), they were actually stationed at the same base in Afghanistan!

He has lived out some incredible dreams. He was Airborne (jumped from airplanes) and even jumped with The Golden Knights (the Army Parachute team). He met Herschel Walker (pro football player) and Troy & Jacob Landry (from Swamp People). He became a helicopter pilot and landed at every public airport/airfield in Louisiana.

The sense of pride from being a military family is simple not measurable.

The friendships you make are some of the strongest friendships you’ll ever have.

You will discover a fierce strength inside of you that you never knew existed. I moved across the country at 19 years old. I lived in Hawaii (4,250 miles away from family) with a one-year-old child by myself at 25 years old while my hubby was deployed.  I moved to a new state and less than 2 weeks after moving into our house, my hubby had to go out of state to school for 6 weeks. We received news while my hubby was home on R&R that one of his soldiers had died. A couple days later I had to turn around and send him back to war. You don’t know how strong you are until you have to be.

We are a few months shy of hitting 20 years in service. We are looking forward to retirement in a couple years but at the same time, in ways it will be hard to leave this life behind.