Yesterday I shared about something personal that really made me wear my heart on my sleeve. But if I could help even one person, then it was worth sharing. It made me think about something else I had written a few years ago.
My hubby has been in the military for almost 20 years and has deployed twice. We haven't lived near family since we became adults. We have been to 7 duty stations, moved 9 times, and had to leave countless friends behind. I wrote some ideas/tips that I thought would be helpful for someone who had a loved one about to deploy. However, you could also take these tips and apply them to your life even if you have no connection to the military. So, here goes.... I once again open up my heart to you.
"A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort" (Herm Albright).
I have learned a lot during these times and wanted to share my experiences with you. This is a short and easy read because I know that you will want to spend every possible moment with your loved one before they deploy. I found that looking up quotations helped me to deal with problems I was facing and helped to give me the positive boost that I needed to continue on. I placed some of my favorites in here for you to enjoy. Take my experiences and advice as a whole or in pieces. If even one page of my experiences helps someone, then I will feel successful.
Here is the routine that worked for me. I sent a letter to my husband every day. Some people may think that they can’t do a letter daily. I felt this was very important. It helped my husband’s morale so much. I would write his letter first thing in the morning while I sipped coffee and checked emails. Don’t think you can come up with something to write about daily? The content does not matter. Your loved one will want to simply see your handwriting. They can “hear” your voice through your words. I would just tell him what we did the day prior, or something funny the kids said.
Each Monday I would send him a package. A typical package had food, toiletries, disks with his favorite TV shows, magazines, drawings from the kids, etc. I sent so many packages for two reasons. This helped my husband feel like he had a little piece of home. He could have his favorite snacks. He could keep up on TV shows. Also, these packages helped me to feel that I could take care of him even when he was on the other side of the world.
Each Friday I would have friends over for dinner. We found a TV series to watch and began it from season one. Each Saturday we would go to a friend’s house for the day. While it is important to schedule time with friends, it is also important to have down time. I looked forward to the beginning of the week. I would spend a few nights just snuggling up with my kids. During the winter months, we would spread out a blanket on the living room floor and have picnic nights. We would eat a picnic dinner while watching a family movie. A routine is a great way to help the weeks feel like they are going by quickly.
Keep in mind that it may not be the big issues that bother you the most. You know deep down that you have to deal with them and so you somehow find a way to get through it. I was having a particularly rough week and a seemingly small issue is what pushed me over the edge.
My daughter needed a tooth pulled but was too scared to allow the dentist to get near her. As the dentist told me that I would have to find a pediatric oral surgeon to remove the tooth, I felt myself breaking. It was the small issue that I just could not pile on top of everything else.
I ended up crying like a baby in front of the dentist. Ok, so not my first choice of how I should have handled it. However, it did teach me that we all have our limits. We need to deal with issues and not just push them aside or it will build until we just cannot take anymore.
The thing that I struggled with the most was allowing myself to be upset. I felt that I had to be positive every day. I felt that I was showing weakness if I had a bad day. I learned that picking yourself up after a bad day can show more strength than never having a bad day. I can honestly say that the burden is so much easier to carry if you open up and allow others to support you as well. It is not a sign of weakness. It shows that you are human.
"When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile" (Author Unknown).
We explained that daddy would have to go to work for a year and that he would be far away. We told them that we could write letters and draw pictures for daddy. We would be able to talk to daddy on the phone and over the computer. We kept details to a minimum and asked them if they had any questions.
One of the first things that my husband and I had to think about was how we were going to tell our kids about the deployment. We decided that we would wait until about a month prior before telling them. We did not want the kids to sit and worry about it for months ahead of time. Our daughter was 7 years old and our son was 4 years old when we told them the news.
We explained that daddy would have to go to work for a year and that he would be far away. We told them that we could write letters and draw pictures for daddy. We would be able to talk to daddy on the phone and over the computer. We kept details to a minimum and asked them if they had any questions.
"Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will" (Mahatma Gandhi).
My husband was leaving at the end of October so our list included things like packing away lawn furniture, and hanging shelves in the garage so that I could park the truck inside for the winter. I had him stock me up on cases of bottled water (I hate carrying those things!). We also decided to put my car into storage. Our housing maintenance crew will do snow removal if you do not have a vehicle in your driveway. We live in northern New York and the winters here can be tough. We felt it was worth the money to put the car into storage so that I did not have to worry about shoveling the driveway. The spouse that stays home during a deployment will have a lot of responsibility. Preparing your house for the deployment is a great way to ease the load a little bit.
I knew that in order for me to feel prepared to deal with the deployment, I wanted the house ready. We thought about all of the things that should be done during the next six months. We would repeat this again during his R&R (two week leave of rest and rehabilitation).
My husband was leaving at the end of October so our list included things like packing away lawn furniture, and hanging shelves in the garage so that I could park the truck inside for the winter. I had him stock me up on cases of bottled water (I hate carrying those things!). We also decided to put my car into storage. Our housing maintenance crew will do snow removal if you do not have a vehicle in your driveway. We live in northern New York and the winters here can be tough. We felt it was worth the money to put the car into storage so that I did not have to worry about shoveling the driveway. The spouse that stays home during a deployment will have a lot of responsibility. Preparing your house for the deployment is a great way to ease the load a little bit.
“Happiness is often the result of being
too busy to be miserable” (Anonymous).
I have found that the best way to make the time pass by is to get into a routine. I know this sounds cliché, but it really does work. A routine also helps kids to adjust and feel like things are somewhat normal. Embrace your friendships. This is the time that you will need to lean on your friends. Make a routine that works for you.
Here is the routine that worked for me. I sent a letter to my husband every day. Some people may think that they can’t do a letter daily. I felt this was very important. It helped my husband’s morale so much. I would write his letter first thing in the morning while I sipped coffee and checked emails. Don’t think you can come up with something to write about daily? The content does not matter. Your loved one will want to simply see your handwriting. They can “hear” your voice through your words. I would just tell him what we did the day prior, or something funny the kids said.
Each Monday I would send him a package. A typical package had food, toiletries, disks with his favorite TV shows, magazines, drawings from the kids, etc. I sent so many packages for two reasons. This helped my husband feel like he had a little piece of home. He could have his favorite snacks. He could keep up on TV shows. Also, these packages helped me to feel that I could take care of him even when he was on the other side of the world.
Each Friday I would have friends over for dinner. We found a TV series to watch and began it from season one. Each Saturday we would go to a friend’s house for the day. While it is important to schedule time with friends, it is also important to have down time. I looked forward to the beginning of the week. I would spend a few nights just snuggling up with my kids. During the winter months, we would spread out a blanket on the living room floor and have picnic nights. We would eat a picnic dinner while watching a family movie. A routine is a great way to help the weeks feel like they are going by quickly.
“As one
person I cannot change the world, but I can change the world of one person”
(Paul Shane Spear). Whose world will you change today?!
A friend of mine sent me an email with a great tool for deployment. There is an Excel spreadsheet called “The Donut of Misery”. It calculates how many months, weeks, days, hours, minutes, and seconds have already been completed during the deployment as well as how many are remaining. I used this tool to help show my kids visually how much time we had left. My husband left on a Wednesday, so each Wednesday on a social networking site I would post my status as “x number of weeks down”. It was helpful to see the progress we were making.
You need to make sure that you still feel connected to your loved one. There are so many different ways to do this. We had a “daddy doll” made for our kids. It is basically like a stuffed animal but has his picture on the front along with a phrase (we put “I love you”). You can also get them with a recorded voice message placed inside the doll. Our local YMCA had a program where they made a special quilt for children with deployed parents. I submitted pictures and a couple of months later our kids were given a very memorable blanket that they could snuggle up with. The kids and I also picked out one of daddy’s t-shirts to sleep with. I ordered a calendar that had our personal photos used as the monthly photos. I had one made for my husband to take with him and one for us to use at home. Our second deployment was so different from our first. This time around we are able to send email, use webcam, and use social networking sites to keep in touch. I liked to leave messages for my husband with memories from past vacations, funny stories, etc.
A friend of mine sent me an email with a great tool for deployment. There is an Excel spreadsheet called “The Donut of Misery”. It calculates how many months, weeks, days, hours, minutes, and seconds have already been completed during the deployment as well as how many are remaining. I used this tool to help show my kids visually how much time we had left. My husband left on a Wednesday, so each Wednesday on a social networking site I would post my status as “x number of weeks down”. It was helpful to see the progress we were making.
"Anyone can give up, it’s the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that’s true strength” (author unknown).
There will be times when it feels like there is just too much for you to bear. I had multiple loved ones diagnosed with cancer during the deployment. My kids were sick for three weeks straight. The stress of day to day activities on top of everything can feel like too much. Of course there is also the possibility of injuries occurring within your loved ones unit. It can cause your stress to rise to all new levels. This is the part when you need to pick yourself up and continue on.
My daughter needed a tooth pulled but was too scared to allow the dentist to get near her. As the dentist told me that I would have to find a pediatric oral surgeon to remove the tooth, I felt myself breaking. It was the small issue that I just could not pile on top of everything else.
I ended up crying like a baby in front of the dentist. Ok, so not my first choice of how I should have handled it. However, it did teach me that we all have our limits. We need to deal with issues and not just push them aside or it will build until we just cannot take anymore.
“Perseverance is the hard work you do after you get tired of doing the hard work you already did (Newt Gingrich).
When it comes time for your loved one to come home for R&R, enjoy your time. It will go by so quickly. Do not spend it thinking about having to send them back to finish off the deployment. This time is crucial for you to rekindle your relationship and reconnect as a family.
It is normal to feel overwhelmed when your loved one leaves. It was difficult to think that I still had to go through that entire amount of time alone again. My advice is to get right back into your routine. The routine is what will help the days to pass. Be proud of yourself. You have made it this far and now you know what to expect for the last half of the deployment.
When it comes time for your loved one to come home for R&R, enjoy your time. It will go by so quickly. Do not spend it thinking about having to send them back to finish off the deployment. This time is crucial for you to rekindle your relationship and reconnect as a family.
It is normal to feel overwhelmed when your loved one leaves. It was difficult to think that I still had to go through that entire amount of time alone again. My advice is to get right back into your routine. The routine is what will help the days to pass. Be proud of yourself. You have made it this far and now you know what to expect for the last half of the deployment.
“Forgiveness
comes when you give up the hope you can change the past” (Oprah Winfrey).
A year a part from your loved one can be an opportunity. I chose to use this time to work on myself. I have always had a big heart and cared about others. I wanted to use this time to really try to do more for other people. I wanted to let those I cared about know that I was thinking of them. I wanted to become a better person. I wanted to forgive those who I had past issues with. I won’t let the past actions of others define who I am today.
"The obstacles of your past can become the gateways
that lead to new beginnings" (Ralph Blum).
You can also use this time as an opportunity
to further your education. I am finishing up my bachelors degree while my
husband is deployed. You could finally take that cooking class that you have
been putting off or begin a new hobby. Not only will you feel better about
yourself, but it will also help to speed up the time!
"Dwelling on the negative simply contributes to
its power" (Shirley MacLaine and my friend’s fortune cookie).
I thought that was pretty profound for a
cookie. I have to say, I agree with that little cookie. The only way to get
through a deployment is to push past your negative thoughts and to make
something positive out of it. You can apply this to every aspect of your life.
One issue I dealt with was how I let other
people’s reactions change me. I may have been having a great day and then
because of something that I read on a social networking site, I would fall
apart. I had to learn to make myself stronger than that. I decided to not let
others affect how I handle today…or any day for that matter.
"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a
harder battle” (Plato).
My battle is hard enough. But I do it with a
smile on my face, love in my heart, and pride for my husband. I think this
quote hits me the hardest. We tend to think that our issues are devastating,
while no one else is going through anything. If you find yourself in a
situation where someone hurts you, before you respond take a moment to put
yourself in their shoes. You have no idea what they are going through. Maybe
they had a fight with their family that morning. Maybe they are overwhelmed
with everything that they are dealing with. People tend to lash out at those we
love most, simply because we feel the most comfortable that they will love us
at our most vulnerable.
“What lies behind us and what lies
before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us” (Ralph Waldo
Emerson).
If you walk away from reading this with one thought, let it be this… I am
strong and can get through this. Find your own way to handle the deployment.
Different things work for different people. The key is to understand what works
for you and to know what you want to get out of the deployment. Good luck. May
your loved ones remain safe.
"I am still determined to be cheerful and happy, in whatever situation I may be; for I have also learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends upon our dispositions, and not upon our circumstances" (Martha Washington).
"I'm a pessimist
because of intelligence, but an optimist because of will" (Antonio Gramsci).
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