March 18, 2018
Sometimes your life brings you in a different direction for
a reason. Embrace it. Earlier this week, I opened up and talked about my very
personal and somewhat embarrassing story in hopes to bring hope to those who
may have lost it. That blog post brought me to then want to share something I
wrote a few years ago about preparing for military deployment. It could also
help struggling mamas, or someone who lives far from their family. I’ve heard
back from some military wives that were so thankful for that blog post. One
asked me to write another post about reconnecting with your loved one after
they return home from deployment. I think everyone could benefit from this
entry and find a way to apply it to their life to better understand others. So
here goes…
You made it! Your loved ones deployment is over and he is
coming home. I’m sure you have heard stories about how they will have changed
and how difficult it can be. While this is true, if you open your heart and
take a few things into consideration, it can make it a lot easier.
“Peace cannot be kept
by force; it can only be achieved by understanding” (Albert Einstein).
Take into account how he has spent the past year. He had a
heightened sense of alertness, always on the lookout for the enemy. It will be
hard to break that habit. Imagine the amount of stress that has put on him.
Letting the stress build up will affect his physical body as well. Find ways
for him to let that stress go.
He will probably be worn out. During deployment, you don’t
really get days “off”. Even if you aren’t on a mission, your state of alertness
is always on. Just think how some of us moms feel. I’ve always said that I was
ready to be “off” mom duty when the kids tuck into bed so I could relax.
Imagine never being able to turn “off”.
When he gets home, you may be anxious to go out and do
things together that you’ve been imagining for the past year. Maybe it is a day
at the zoo, shopping, traveling, or going to the movies. He may need time to
decompress and just “be” at home in his safe environment, where he doesn’t feel
the need to have his guard up.
He spent the entire last year being told exactly what to do.
Even when he didn’t agree, when he thought there was a better way to do things,
he still had to follow orders. Allow him the room to make decisions. It can be
hard because for the past year, every decision has been your own. What to eat
for dinner. What to watch on TV. What you do on Saturday afternoons. Who you
spend your time with. Remember, he hasn’t been able to do any of that.
Let’s talk about being in public. Big crowds may be
difficult for him. For the past year, a big crowd to him may have meant it was
easier for the enemy to hide right in front of him.
Seating can become something he needs to control. Don’t be
surprised if he wants to always have a line of sight to the door. He will
likely want to see who is in the room and will not want his back to them.
Sounds. Take a minute to google The David Lynch Foundation
and “Sounds of Trauma”. It is a commercial that shows the sounds of war (bombs,
explosions, guns firing, etc) along the soldiers fighting. Then it later shows
that those sounds are actually in everyday life (alarm clocks, balloons
popping, fireworks, etc). This commercial will really help you to understand
that there are triggers everywhere. If this is the only take away you get from
this post, it’ll be worth it.
Your husband probably had a very particular way of doing
things. Things had to be done correctly or someone could get hurt or killed. He
may have a hard time adjusting to let go of that control. He may crave
structure/ rules/ schedules.
You will need to help your kids to readjust to having Daddy
home. It is important to make family time and also one on one time with each
child. Kids need to rebuild that relationship. They need to feel safe and trust
that Daddy is home. It’s easy to push people away when you are scared and kids
may be worried that if they get close again, that it’ll hurt more if they have
to leave again.
One thing we may take for granted is sleep. Your husband may
have a hard time sleeping. It may take awhile to fall asleep. They may wake up
often and lay awake for hours. Survivor’s guilt and “what-ifs” can weigh
heavily on them. Find ways to support him getting good rest.
Don’t be surprised if you can’t pick things up right where
you left off. You have both gotten used to a certain way of life and now it’s
time to bring those lives back together. Communicate. Make time for you as a
couple. It’s ok to set boundaries. Maybe you need to tell family not to visit
for the first few weeks to allow time for you guys to reconnect.
Your husband now has an incredible bond with the people he
deployed with. Even though they spent every day together and probably
aggravated each other, guess what? Chances are that after a few days of being
home, they will have an unbelievable urge to hang out. It’s comforting for them
to be together. They may not talk about their deployment time, but even just
being around each other makes it feel like a weight has been lifted. Don’t take
it personally that they want to spend time together.
Did you notice how many times I wrote “for the past year”?
That was intentional. A habit takes 21 days to form. Your hubby just spent a
YEAR deployed. Give him time to adjust. Give yourself time to adjust.
“It is during our
darkest moments that we must focus to see the light” (Aristotle).
Military life is hard. It is difficult to prepare yourself
for everything that comes along with it. Not being able to choose where you
live; being the “new” girl repeatedly; moving away from friends who become
family because your family is so far away; not being able to make plans because
you don’t know when you’ll get vacation or be able to visit home; spending
countless days/months/years away from your spouse; having a work schedule that
changes at the drop of a hat; having your spouse miss out on
birthdays/holidays/births/deaths; having to bury friends who have given the
ultimate sacrifice; living with the fear of the unknown and possible
deployments hanging over your head; having to miss out on family events because
you can’t take block leave; the list goes on.
“Change your thoughts
and you change your world” (Norman Vincent Peale).
But… the military has also brought a lot to our lives. Take
a breath and focus on the good. The military has given us a steady paycheck and
job security. It’s given us health benefits and education benefits (for both of
us and in the future for our kids).
We have been able to travel all over the country and even
lived in Hawaii. My hubby got to travel to Japan.
My hubby was in an airport in Germany on his way home for
R&R. He looked up and saw someone familiar. His cousin, who he hadn’t seen
in about 25 years, was on his way to Afghanistan! After R&R (leave from
deployment), they were actually stationed at the same base in Afghanistan!
He has lived out some incredible dreams. He was Airborne
(jumped from airplanes) and even jumped with The Golden Knights (the Army
Parachute team). He met Herschel Walker (pro football player) and Troy &
Jacob Landry (from Swamp People). He became a helicopter pilot and landed at
every public airport/airfield in Louisiana.
The sense of pride from being a military family is simple
not measurable.
The friendships you make are some of the strongest
friendships you’ll ever have.
You will discover a fierce strength inside of you that you
never knew existed. I moved across the country at 19 years old. I lived in
Hawaii (4,250 miles away from family) with a one-year-old child by myself at 25
years old while my hubby was deployed. I moved to a new state and less than 2 weeks after moving
into our house, my hubby had to go out of state to school for 6 weeks. We
received news while my hubby was home on R&R that one of his soldiers had
died. A couple days later I had to turn around and send him back to war. You
don’t know how strong you are until you have to be.
We are a few months shy of hitting 20 years in service. We
are looking forward to retirement in a couple years but at the same time, in
ways it will be hard to leave this life behind.
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